yin and yang

Lately, it has felt as though time is standing still. As though, somehow, time has just stopped to allow me to sit--blamelessly, day after day--in an ugly afghan watching BBC mini-series and drinking coffee with absolutely nothing better to do. Obviously, this has been a total fantasy in my mind with no baring in reality; dreamt up in order to justify the devastating depression that has taken hold of me ever since the days began to shorten and the frost killed all the greenery. Indeed, time has very much been marching forward, leaving all my goals and responsibilities somewhere at the start of September. Now, at the end of October, I have two months behind me and nothing meaningful to show for it.

Apart from the tragedy of the colder weather, I can think of no other reason for my disheartened state apart from, possibly, my amazingly surreal summer. I don't think I have recuperated from the almost-deadly bout of pneumonia [four days of oxygen treatment in the hospital]; the cancelled biology course; the sudden, wonderful new friendships; enduring three family reunions; the anticlimax of The Dark Knight Rises; and the many nights of sub-drunken shenanigans. But, whether it was the oddities of the summer or start of chilly weather, I have neither been myself nor the self I want to be of late, and it has taken its toll by paralyzing any routine that makes meeting goals and successfully moving forward possible.

Recently, however, it occurred to me amid a particularily bleak afternoon with very little sunlight--while I sat in my ugly afghan reading the blogs of people far more charming than myself--that with every "seamy" aspect of living, there are those little successes and tiny perfections that can help to lift one from the slough of despond, but which are easily lost in the overpowering ideal of how life ought to be lived. Specifically, one of Lizzie's posts snapped me into the reality that no life is perfect--despite what might appear to be perfection by the observing outsider--and even amid the darkness there can be little bits of light.

So I made some lists. Just like the Tao philosophy of the yin and yang [that the shadow and the light are connected; indiscernable by themselves, but shown for what they are when contrasted against each other] I realized that I would not have seen the good in my life if I hadn't had a little bad to compare it to. I am not a Taoist, but I agree that it is harder to appreciate the light without the presence of darkness.

I have written out a list for both the shadow and the light: the collective perfections and imperfections that make up the yin and yang of my less-than-charming life.


innumerable shoddy english assignments
pages of baffling math problems
two unwritten letters
six unfinished novels
a broken camera
living in a stressfully scattered household
the long, difficult shifts at work
still no driver's license
sullenness; lethargy; the desire to hibernate
having expensive coffee tastes
the coming of a lose-lose American election
the long-neglected sewing machine
the slowly mounting number on the scale

.

the scads of promising films releasing soon

owning three tremendous wool sweaters 

Icelandic music [this and this]

leaves to crunch on the sidewalks

a paycheck every second Friday

five friendly cats on the porch

the autumn-smelling forest behind the house
an abundance of tea

the $60 sent to CBM
learning "Of Angels and Angles" on the guitar

still no snow on the ground
a finished sewing project [a book bag for myself]
gin in the cupboard

Christmas in two months 

dragonfruit

Having covetously eyed both its appearance and name since childhood, Thursday finally saw me shrug and plop a dragonfruit into my shopping basket beside the chocolate and organic flour. That afternoon, I sliced satisfactorily through the bright pink oval at last. 

The rubbery peel fell away from the soft, strange flesh without argument. My first bite was small, tentative--unsure of the consistency and the taste. But the flesh was like a firm, dry watermelon, the seeds like that of a kiwi, and the taste of nothing but the mildest sweetness. It is a singular fruit, to be sure--not quite living up to its enchanting appearance--but remains inviting and healthy enough to not be last I will ever buy. 

the afternoon skirt

A week or so ago, after Lizzie unexpectedly sent me this wonderful skirt tutorial, I immediately left my sociology book and bowl of grapes and set to work at my Elna 5200. 

I knew that I had two meters of printed cotton left over from another project, and it happened to be precisely the amount I needed.

It was good just to work, not thinking about everything else that I "should" have been doing. Sewing was all I wanted to do. 

I measured, cut, ruffled, basted, stitched, pressed, and hemmed. Hours passed.

After so many months of ignoring my sewing machine, we had again established our dearly held relationship. By the time I closed the last seam, I couldn't stop smiling. 
 

An entire pot of Orange Pekoe and three Black Keys albums later, I was finished. 

canada day

Last night, my mum, sister and I took up our picnic blanket and headed to the Seven Hills for the Canada Day fireworks. Saint Albert always puts on a good show. We found a spot directly beneath the targeted sky.

They began at 11 o'clock, though the sky was hardly dark. The air filled with exploding lights and smoke and the smell of gunpowder. We craned our necks back to take them in. Some looked like electricity. Some looked like flowers. Some looked like sea creatures. I remembered why I love fireworks, and thought:

'Sometimes, patriotism pays off.'

soak

Yesterday, the rain whipped and stormed at the windows until 8 o'clock in the evening. It was then that I ventured outside to observe the aftermath. I took my dogs and my camera into the field for an adventure in the wet; up to and around the old forest.

When I got up to the row of caragana trees behind my house, I realized that I hadn't noticed their yellow blossoms until then. Their arms were weighed down by all the rain, but they managed to bid us a dewy "g'day."

The rain had turned the soil of the field into a mass of deep, satisfying mud. My boots made a sucking, slurping sound with every step. The dogs chased airborne sandpipers.

The canola, seeded by the farmers not a month before, were poking their tiny, leafy heads out of the soft mud; looking grateful and awake after the day's rain.

After making it well up to the forest, we stood before the silent view of the highway and the old red barn on my Uncle's farm. I walked; my dogs upset the mallards of a nearby pond.

We ventured around the curve of the forest, to the side shadowed from the sun.

The humid air was still on the dark side of the wood; the sun was hidden behind all the trees.      Ivy came over to say hello. 

 At last, we reached an open part of the forest. We ventured through a row of trees and ancient cement cylinders. My pants and dogs alike were soaked after wading through all the wet grass.

 By the time we reached home again, the cats had emerged.

some words to live by

Ernest Hemingway: There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.

Ayn Rand: The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.

Jake Kerouac: Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion.

Edgar Allen Poe: Invisible things are the only realities.

Oscar Wilde: I think it is very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.

Eleanor Roosevelt: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Ed Maccauley: When you are not practicing, remember, someone, somewhere else is, and when you meet him, he will win.

Shahir Zag: You don't need bigger boobs. You need to read better books.

Lorne Michaels: If you look around the room and you're the smartest person there, you're in the wrong room.

Oscar Wilde: I don't want to earn my living, I want to live.

a post long overdue

In keeping with the usual course of life, intense busyness has kept me from all the things I wish I could be doing, with very few exceptions (this is why the summer is going to be full of projects!) Naturally, with so little time, I haven't spent it updating my blog. However! I have at last decided that I simply must post something; if only to maintain the idea that I am, indeed, still alive. Which led to this post: a summary of my latest goings-on for all you lovely stalker chaps out there. So this is what's gone down, I:

Got thick-rimmed hipster glasses.
near-sighted lenses, clear-green frames, almost-cateye edges 

Saw The Avengers thrice.
greater than expectations, funny, exciting; full of hot men (*totally the main reason)

Smoked a Cuban cigar.
gritty, stung the lips, tasted dark and fiery; smelled like a distinguished Orson Welles character 

Saw the U.S. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (finally!)
impressive, excellent visuals, David Fincher at his best; better than the Swedish version

Read Macbeth.
gorgeous, intense, deep; I have totally memorized Lady Macbeth's dark soliloquy

Started seriously listening to Björk, Jeff Buckley, and The Black Keys.
fantastic and strange | beautiful and soulful | exciting and talented

Gutted and rearranged my room.
long time coming, much needed, deeply satisfying

Watched three of the most depressing movies ever.
never watch: Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, Raging Bull, or The Wind that Shakes the Barley (unless, of course, you have a heart of steel)

Read A Room with a View by E. M. Forster.
charming, funny, lovely; a perfect picture of Italy with excellent social commentary 

Hyped Prometheus like no tomorrow (and still am!)
this next installment of the Alien series has been a long time coming --I simply cannot wait for June 8th!

Purchased a book on bread-making. 
using it is one of my main summer goals!

Signed up for Driver's Education (finally!)
because I want/need the experience and the reduced insurance pay, but mostly because I am sick and tired of depending on my parents to drive me places --this has been put off for far too long! 

Watched all of Doctor Who and The Walking Dead
oddly charming and addictive, despite cheesiness | excellent effects and cool idea (though mediocrely executed and not even close to the quality of the comics)